What Happened Next?

Article by Laura Canning (February 2, 2005)

Ever wondered what happened to Darrell and co after they left school? We know of course that the good guys will be blessed with fortune while the baddies will stumble from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis, but how will this happen? We raided the archives of Malory Towers Old Girl newsletter, Malory Musings, to find out.

Please note that this article is intended for mature readers and may be inappropriate for children.

Darrell Rivers naturally became a hugely successful children's author, penning such classics as Noddy, the Famous Five and the Find-Outers. Discredited in later life due to accusations of racism and sexism in her books and sunk to writing 'chick lit' (Darrell Rivers' Diary, Why Hasn't He Called Yet?), before finding renewed success as the author of a series of books about a boy wizard at magical boarding school. Never married, as she is too jolly sensible. Owns a dog named Timmy. Hurrah!

Sally Hope-Chest married Dr Frederick A Chest immediately after university, and set herself to a life of childbearing, being there when the kids come home for the hols (daughters Susan, Sarah and Sally Jr all go to Malory Towers), and baking delicious pies. Despite this quest for a perfect life, we have nevertheless learned that Sally has received counselling for trying to murder her younger sister, now a successful neurosurgeon.

Alicia Johns-Jacks-Peters-Bobs-Pips-Julians-Dicks has a motto: 'If you remember the sixties, you weren't there!' She experimented with psychedelic drugs at university and dropped out to marry her professor. After the breakdown of the marriage three months later, Alicia moved to San Francisco where she became active in the women's movement. Is currently married to her sixth husband and lives in London, where she gained fame by starring with friend Betty in the TV series Absolutely Fabulous.

Mary-Lou Twee became a nurse, then married and had eight children. After retiring, she and Sally Hope-Chest bonded over ginger beer recipes and Sally's jealousy of Darrell's success, and the families often spend Christmas together. Two of Mary-Lou's sons have had sex with Sally Jr, and Sally Sr always wonders why her tinfoil is going missing.

Bill and Clarissa opened a riding school near Malory Towers that is still going strong, although the Hope-Chest and Twee girls are not allowed to attend. This had led to arguments with old chums Sally and Mary-Lou, as the latter two cite 'unhealthy influences'.

Gwendoline Mary Lacey stagnated in her office job for five years until she had learnt her lesson and until Dad was better. With few prospects and no school certificate, Gwen decided to join the police, where she enjoyed a lucrative ten years framing working class people. Discovered a latent talent for acting in later life and became Britain's best-loved actress. Currently stars in Eastenders as Mrs Mitchell, and has a huge gay following.

Zerelda Brass-Tacks—contrary to drama mistress Miss Hibberts' opinion—is talented. Just not as an actor. She studied fashion and beauty at New York Polytechnic where a chance encounter led her to a stand-up comedy show. Zerelda's drunken denunciations of her fellow students and teachers won her acclaim and expulsion, and she became a stand-up comedian. Married an elderly millionaire last year.

Mavis sang in opera for a few years before meeting Alicia in San Francisco. Tuned in, turned on and dropped out, and now sings in anarchist punk rock band Vomit.

Belinda signed on the dole for several years after university, doing the double by charging money for street portraits. After her release from prison, Belinda attempted to restart her art career but had to pose for life drawing classes in return for money for supplies. Now works as a cartoonist for a leading newspaper and is best known for her cartoon series Calvin and Hobbes.

Irene worked in opera with Mavis for some time before being commissioned to write scores for screenplays. Now in charge of advertising at a large company and decides which piece of classical music is best suited to make a particular washing powder jingle.

Daphne emigrated to Australia with her husband but ended up in Wentworth Detention Centre for passing stolen cheques. Had a run in with Queen Bea before escaping and moving to Mexico.

Moira entered local government and eventually became Britain's first female prime minister, causing misery to millions and setting the cause of feminism back several years.

June Johns left Cambridge with a double first and set up a radical socialist pressure group which was the bane of Moira's terms as PM. Fitted up by PC Gwen on false terrorism charges but was cleared after a sensational trial to become Britain's first female opposition leader.

Felicity Rivers Durdly defied the adage that the younger child is the more rebellious by marrying and settling down in suburbia. Has not spoken to famous sister Darrell for three years, after accusations that an unpleasant avuncular character in Darrell's books was based on Felicity's husband Vernon.

Jo Jones-Jones made a slight improvement after being expelled, but suffered a setback when St Clare's wouldn't accept her and she had to be tutored at home by her parents. Took to shoplifting and petty theft before rising through the ranks to become a master criminal in London's underworld. Rumours of election-fixing for her friend Moira still persist.

Amanda became a games mistress as planned, but sacked after making several students cry at school sports' day. Turned to middle management and now runs the paperclips and supplies section of a busy Slough stationery office.

And the teachers...

They're all still at Malory Towers, of course. Where else would they be? Tsk.